A Psycho ALRHI's Rant
by illjwamh
Summary: A parody of your run of the mill Ryoko gets Tenchi fic with a twist: Aeka gets Tenchi.


Disclaimer: Illjwamh does not own Tenchi Muyo! or any of its characters. However, some of the characters in this fic so vaguely resemble the real ones that one wonders whether this disclaimer is really necessary.  
  
Notes: You've all read the fic. In fact, you've probably read it several times, just with different titles and/or authors. That's right, we're talking about any fic written by an AHRLI. Well today, I've decided to try something a little different. In the enclosed parody, you will find the exact opposite of this infamous nonsense. Today, I have taken the form of an ALRHI, or Aeka Loving Ryoko Hating Idiot, and written basically the same thing, only with the two girls' parts reversed.  
  
WASHU: Wait, it can't be one of those fics! Look at the format! It's actually readable!  
  
KIYONE: That's because the author couldn't make himself write like that.  
  
MIHOSHI: Kiyone? What are you doing here? I thought you were only in the TV series! This is supposed to be OAV!  
  
KIYONE: True, but in this type of fic, there is no continuity. The author can forget all the rules and basically include whatever he wants.  
  
KAGATO: That's right!  
  
KAIN: Which means. . .  
  
YUZUHA: All of us. . .  
  
YUGI: Can be here. . .  
  
TV KAGATO: At the same time!  
  
ALL VILLAINS: Hahahahahaha!  
  
KIYONE: How is this possible!?  
  
[Deep, ominous voice]: I brought them here!  
  
MIHOSHI: Wh-who are you?  
  
[That voice again]: I am the author's own creation, a twisted SI. I am his incredible super villain with nearly god-like powers! My name is Avatar. Crappy Avatar.  
  
KIYONE: What kind of a name is that for a super villain?  
  
CRAPPY: I don't know. Ask the dozens of authors who have given me that name over the years. Now, if you'll excuse me, my band of villains and I must be off so we can come in right in the middle of the story and kidnap Aeka.  
  
MIHOSHI: Why are you going to kidnap Aeka?  
  
CRAPPY: Don't ask stupid questions! Now get out of my way! (He flies off, the rest of the villains following him.)  
  
WASHU: (blinks) Well that was surreal. Why don't we just get this over with, huh?  
  
Things get all blurry and wiggly, and when they come back into focus, we are in Tenchi's room and he is sleeping. Cut to narrative.  
  
Tenchi woke up at his usual time and looked out the window at a beautiful sunny morning.  
  
'Jeez, doesn't it ever rain around here?' he thought. 'I can't seem to recall having a day with bad weather in almost a year! It gets kind of dull after a while.' He rolled out of bed, and immediately tripped over Ryoko's sleeping form. Obviously, this woke her up.  
  
"Ryoko!" Tenchi shouted, annoyed. "How many times do I have to tell you to stay out of my room at night!?"  
  
Ryoko looked back at him with a feline grin. " I just wanted to wake you up, Tenchi!"  
  
"Well forget about it! I know what you were planning on Doing!" He tore out of bed and stormed out of the room. He saw Ayeka standing in the hall, and when he did, his mood miraculously took a complete 180.  
  
"Good morning, Aeka," he said cheerily. She smiled at him in a pure, angelic fashion, and a halo appeared over her head as a beam of light shone down on her from who-knows where.  
  
"Good morning, Tenchi!" she replied in kind. From the other room, they could hear Ryoko's scream.  
  
"You stay away from her, you stuck-up little bitch! Or so help me, I'll destroy this entire house!"  
  
"Ryoko," said Tenchi, sounding annoyed, "How would that help in the least?"  
  
"I don't know!" The demon spat. "But it would get her away from you!" With that, she teleported downstairs, where Sasami had just (surprise, surprise) announced that breakfast was ready.  
  
When Tenchi and Aeka walked into the kitchen, Ryoko ramdomly threw a fit.  
  
"What are you doing coming in through that door!?" she screamed at Aeka. "That's the way I come in!"  
  
"No you don't, Ryoko," the princess calmly pointed out, "You teleport." That was the last straw for Ryoko. She totally went berserk and launched herself at Aeka. When they made contact, they smashed through all the walls in the house and ended up outside.  
  
"Ryoko, what are you doing!?" Tenchi shouted. He and the rest of the gang ran outside after the two. They arrived to see Ryoko beating the living daylights out of Aeka, and of course the princess was doing nothing to fight back, what with her being perfect and good and a pacifist.  
  
The other girls tried to break up the fight, but it was no use. Ryoko wouldn't let them near. It was then that something switched in Tenchi's brain. Out of the blue he suddenly realized that he was hopelessly in love with Aeka and that he had to save her. Didn't see that one coming, did you? He arrived just in time to block an energy blast from Ryoko that would have finished Aeka off.  
  
"What are you doing, Tenchi?" Ryoko asked.  
  
"Ryoko, I can't let you hurt Aeka," Tenchi told her. "For you see, I've just now out of the blue realized that I'm in love with her, and I'll do anything to protect her."  
  
Ryoko screamed. "Fine! If I can't have you, then I'll kill you both!" She then proceeded to transform into a giant 60 foot monster with big claws, some tentacles, scary looking horns, and teeth. Yeah, big sharp teeth. Ooh, and red eyes! Glowing red eyes!  
  
"What are you talking about, Ryoko?" asked a confused Sasami. "I thought you loved Tenchi! Why would you kill him?"  
  
"I've spontaneously decided that I don't like him anymore," Ryoko snarled in her new, deep monstery voice. "Now if you'll excuse me. . ." She reached behind her, and a huge battle axe materialized in her hands from thin air. Everyone ran for cover, that is, except Tenchi. He ignited Tenchi- ken, and when the Ryoko-beast swung down with her axe, he sliced the head off of it. Then he threw the Tenchi-ken, and it pierced her right through her heard. She let out a blood curdling scream, and then she blew up.  
  
"I can't believe she's gone," Aeka said as the dust cleared. Even though Ryoko had tried to kill her, the princess's supreme overdone sense of kindness and compassion made her feel sorry for the demon.  
  
"Yeah well," Tenchi said, "I never liked her much anyway."  
  
"You didn't?" Aeka was stunned. "Well you sure acted like she was your friend."  
  
"Don't believe everything you see on T.V. Aeka. Everybody knows that my real feelings come from the fantasies of biased fanatics of single characters." He took Aeka into his arms and gave her a huge kiss, but as he did, an evil looking spaceship appeared in the sky.  
  
CRAPPY: I've come to take Aeka!  
  
(Record scratching sound is heard as the view is cut sharply to Washu)  
  
WASHU: Wait a minute! What's with the script format?  
  
KIYONE: (Rolling her eyes) Haven't we been over this already?  
  
WASHU: But it looks ridiculous!  
  
KIYONE: Just let it go so we can finish and go home.  
  
WASHU: Okay, okay.  
  
(Cuts back to the scene in the yard)  
  
TENCHI: Who are you?  
  
CRAPPY: I'm the one villain you cannot beat!  
  
TENCHI: Oh yeah?  
  
(Crappy teleports down to the ground and faces Tenchi. He's smirking.)  
  
CRAPPY: Try me.  
  
And so Tenchi tried every attack he could think of. He used all of his Jurai power, but Crappy didn't even get a scratch.  
  
"Ha ha!" Crappy laughed. "You can't stop me, for I am the embodiment of the author, and as such I have made myself invincible!"  
  
"Oh no!" Aeka wailed. "Tenchi, please save me!"  
  
"I don't know if I can, Aeka. Man, why did this have to happen right when I finally realized. . ." THIS PART HAS BEEN EDITED OUT FOR EXTREME AND UNNECESSARY SAPPINESS. I (THE AUTHOR) APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, BUT REALLY, YOU DIDN'T MISS ANYTHING.  
  
"Oh, for god's sake, will you two just shut up?" Crappy groaned. He, unlike you fortunate folks, had to sit through the whole thing. "You're making me sick!" He gripped his stomach. Then, upon realizing that kidnapping Aeka wasn't worth all of this, and upon the author's realizing that he'd written himself into a plot hole he couldn't get out of, Crappy Avatar left the Earth, never to return.  
  
"Hooray!" Sasami shouted.  
  
"We did it, Aeka," Tenchi said. "You and me together, we. . ." MORE SAPPY STUFF, YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT. LET'S JUST SKIP TO THE END.  
  
And so Tenchi and Aeka lived happily ever after, just like everybody says they were always meant to. The end.  
  
(Cuts back to Washu)  
  
WASHU: Not bad! I especially liked how he sped through some parts, and had all the characters there even though they didn't say or do anything. It really added to the fics authenticity! The only thing unrealistic about it was the fact that I could understand the format, but we've already covered that.  
  
KIYONE: Good! Now we can finally go home!  
  
(They exit, and the lights go out.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
What did you think? Was it an accurate parody? Any of you die hard Ryoko fans out there who want to flame me, go right ahead! You'll only be proving any point I was trying to make. Any other comments will also be appreciated. Later. 


End file.
